People. Can’t live with ’em, pass the beer nuts.

My big trips out these days are to Publix.

It’s like an event for me. I look forward to it. There are other people there. Not people on a screen. Not people driving their cars past me as I run early in the morning. Actual living people. I may start dressing up for the occasion.

The problem is, there are people there. Friggin people.

Publix has the one-direction aisles, like everywhere else. One of the aisles had five people in it–me and four people going the wrong way. I passed one guy going the wrong way three different times. He’s a proud graduate of the University of Kentucky. I’m not certain how proud the University of Kentucky is.

“I paid a lot of money to get a degree from the same school as that guy.

At least this time, all but one person had their mask on correctly. One guy had it down below his nose. No one wore theirs around their chin. No one walked around naked, mask-wise. Yay.

“What? Tom Brady wears his mask that way.”
“Dude, it’s a chin strap.” (AP Photo/Elise Amendola)

You can basically do what you want at Publix (though unlike Walmart, I think they will say something if you shop with no pants). You could drive a double semi filled with groceries into the express lane and Publix and the cashier would smile and ask if you found everything okay.

Damn right I’m using the express lane. I’m in a hurry.

Of course they found everything okay. Every damn thing in the store is in their cart. And I have a carton of eggs my wife sent me for.

They’re schmucks. Everywhere. All of the people. Schmucks. I often return from Publix rooting for the giant meteor that will certainly spell our collective doom some day.

In fairness, it’s not up to the cashier to provoke a brawl with the flaming…uhhh, child of God who decided they couldn’t wait for the three people with fifteen items a piece, but we should wait for him and his 1300 cans of cat food.

And, though a lot of people went the wrong way up the aisles, more people went the right way. Everyone had their mask on. Everyone had pants on–a regular occurrence at Publix. To the best of my ability to smell, everyone had bathed at some point recently. No one hoarded all the ice cream so no one else could have any.

Publix. Where even the protesters wear pants. (PS — I can’t give you change, you used an ATM card.)

The people who piss us off for the schmucky things sometimes seem like they’re legion. But they aren’t.

Most people are decent human beings trying to get to the end of the day, same as everyone else.

We notice the schmucks because they’re schmucks, but also because they’re the exception.

It would be good to notice the people who aren’t schmucks as often as the people who are.