As long as I’m sharing, I might as well share everything, right? Maybe I’ll get on Oprah–oops, they don’t have that any more. Whatever…
I know depression and I think I’m coming to know CFS or ME or whatever the hell it is that I have (WTHIITIH).
To start, WTHIITIH is a grind. It’s not football, where you spend the week getting ready for Sunday and then play, then deal with the aches and pains and play again next Sunday. It’s baseball. There’s a frigging game every day and you have to suit up and play. You have to be nice to the other players, the umpires, and the fans, and you have to perform. And no one really gives a damn about your aches and pains.
With depression, you don’t feel like doing it, whatever it is. You feel like your will is coated with heavy cement and while something inside you wants to go, your soul feels weighed down and immobile. The cement is heavy and it’s starting to form, making your soul’s movement hard.
With WTHIITIH, you feel like you haven’t slept in days. There’s a brain fog that makes thinking hard. You can’t multi-task worth a damn and you cast about for words while you’re speaking. Sometimes it hurts like a bitch (I don’t care if the word offends you; the pain offends me, so get over it). Sometimes you feel like you’re verging on a stomach bug. Sometimes you feel just a tinge of vertigo. It varies from day to day, but something is there every single day.
You aren’t sick enough to be sick, so you have to do the work anyway (hence the baseball metaphor). You start to wish for something major to happen, just to push the process forward so you can either figure it out or move to the theoretically inevitable next step. Or at least so you have a valid reason to not suit up.
As an aside, Bill Murray is a gold mine for bloggers, you know?
The differences between depression and WTHIITIH are pretty evident. But if you have WTHIITIH and it starts to get to you and you enter into BillMurrayland, and if you Google it, there are all kinds of helpful articles aimed at helping you figure whether you have depression or CFS. In case you’re curious, I can post something later helping you to figure out whether you have tennis elbow or stomach cramps.
They’re different things.
And that’s part of the struggle. There are a lot of good-hearted people out there who pray and wish the best and want to help. First, I appreciate it. And most of the time, I have a deep sense of gratitude. But sometimes, when it piles up and it’s really hard, it’s like me telling my wife how to cope with menopause–well-intentioned, but not really helpful. (By the way, I’m way smarter than to tell my wife anything about that.)
Anyway, sorry for being bitchy today. It’s how things are sometimes.
I guess the takeaway is that if you’re struggling with something–it could be WTHIITIH or a difficult job or a bad home life or cancer or a loved one having cancer… If you’re struggling with one of these things, or any other, there are going to be days where you aren’t fit for human companionship.
And honestly, that’s okay. You don’t have to be a schmuck, but you do get to go there. It’s part of the experience.