Still worrying and trying to believe in a better approach

If I really believed, I’d think differently.

I woke up this morning earlier than I wanted to. I fiddled around a little. Checked the Mets score–they lost. Checked the socials and my news sites. Then I dove into my devotionals for the day. It was pretty rote this morning. I went through the motions with the dawning understanding that a relationship with God is about faith, not feelings.

When I set out for my walk, I’d already missed my internal deadline for when I wanted to start–based on when I woke up. As I walked, I realized just how many things I’m regularly anxious about. There’s work–there’s always work. There’s health and whether I’d have a good Fibro day. Then a dozen other things followed.

It’s not like I lack a track record. I’m successful enough that I’m still here and doing pretty well by most standards. I’ve been challenged and persevered through those challenges. I’m the best person I’ve ever been.

And I’m still concerned that’s not good enough.

If I really believed what I profess on Sundays, I’d handle it all differently.

I don’t know what it’s like to live without some level of anxiety. Through my adult life, I’m not sure I’ve ever really relaxed and been comfortable with what I was and what I bring to the table.

And yet, Jesus was pretty clear about worrying. We’re not to worry. If God takes care of the birds and the lilies of the field, then he’ll take care of us.

Ultimately, I worry that I’m not good enough–that when I die, what lies beyond won’t be what I want, but what I deserve. That’s perhaps the ultimate sacrilege, given that Jesus came to take care of that.

Meanwhile, I scrape today together and hope tomorrow won’t feature a crash. I ignore the fact that between my own resilience and God’s blessing, I’ve been successful with the Fibro for the past few years.

I also ignore the fact that if I really dove into faith, it would be easier not to worry. And I’d have less to be concerned about with the Fibro.

But I want to do better. I hope that leads to improvement down the road.