Afraid Not

A long time ago, there was a movie called Defending Your Life, starring Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep. It was cheesy, not memorable, and its basic premise boiled down to salvation being a function of overcoming your fear. Taken at face value, it was theologically saucer-deep and kind of self-involved.

But there was a kernel of truth in it.

Let’s put aside the God angle for a moment and concentrate on fear.

Fear is perhaps the most self-involved emotion there is. I am afraid that something will bad will happen to me. I’m afraid that I will get laid off. I’m afraid that she will reject me. I’m afraid that my loved one will go out and be killed and not come back to me. I’m afraid of falling into a giant pit of snakes.

It could happen.

Okay, that last one is actually reasonable and appropriate.

But the rest of them make it impossible to see past one’s own fears to see to others.

As has been said countless millions of times–courage is not the elimination of fear. It’s acting in spite of that fear.

You can’t do that on your own. You can’t just say “today I will not fear” and expect it to happen for longer than a few fits and starts. In order for fear to be right-sized–because it’ll never be vanquished–something bigger needs to come.

Because fear is rooted in me, the only thing bigger than fear is something that shifts your direction outward. The only way to right-size fear is to move your focus of yourself and out to others.

To be clear, I’m not talking about some warped I am less worthy than others so I have to concentrate on them mindset. That mindset is a lie. And it contradicts itself, because its first impulse is entirely self-obsessed. I’m talking about an approach that says, How can I help you? My worth is present and need not be defended.

In a word, love.

This isn’t some mushy, sentimental Albert Brooks movie love. It’s hard. It means acting in ways that are manifestly uncomfortable. It means that when fear creeps in and trips all your wires, you have to push back. And that action of pushing back isn’t instant. It takes a long time to master. And that means when you screw it up, it’s not about my screw-up, it’s about how to be more present the next time.

It’s hard internal work, and it’s necessary to heal yourself and then help others to see your own hope.